“Man, I ****ing suck!”
That was my thought process at about 1400 (or 2PM) Saturday afternoon. I had just experienced possibly my worst day of Jiu Jitsu ever. I got beat. I got beat badly. Not just once, but 3 times. If I had another colored belt other than white I would have walked over to Charlie and turned it in for a new white one. At no point did I feel that I should have beaten my opponents, I just felt that I was good enough not to be beaten by them, not sure if that makes any sense to anyone but myself. At first I couldn’t feel any more miserable. Even with John Longinidis and Exor there as I walked off the mat, with Markezinos words of encouragement, things were just no good. For about a 5 minute window the dark parts of my mind came forward and I saw as people who started training after me, people who would ask me for guidance, found success, I questioned why I spent months of my life on the mat. Why should I commit to something that I am apparently no good at?
It wasn’t until the next morning I woke up. My mind went “Ok, its Sunday, 8 am, to late to catch Marks class this morning, I'll make open mat tonight.”
Then I remembered the thoughts of the previous day and I couldn’t believe myself. I had moved past it and looked back at myself with disbelief. I knew that, yes, for one day I was the worst of the 1% of people who would ever think about stepping foot on a mat. I had in fact put myself out there for the world to see, and to judge. I was upset at myself that I had allowed myself to question my commitment. I see now that there are things I need to work on, yes, there always are. This is a path I choose to travel and on that Saturday, I hit a pot hole and got a flat tire. It will take some time to fix the tire and keep moving, but I will. Mat time is the only cure. Jiu Jitsu has become a part of my life, and like all things in life, you wont always succeed 100% of the time. It’s time to learn from the failures. Get up, fix my gi, and retie the belt. Its time to slap hands and start a fresh roll.